Thursday, September 29, 2011

Forgive and Forget

Forgive -  'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'

Forget - 'to banish from one's thoughts'

Forgive and Forget....these are the two hardest words I struggle with on a daily basis. One of my "bad" personality traits is not forgiving someone who, in my eyes, has done me wrong.

I know that I normally post on here about what new recipe I have tried, our upcoming wedding, my daily activities and my never ending want list. However, with our wedding less than 7 weeks away forgiving and forgetting have been weighing on my heart, a lot.

I am not talking about forgiving someone who may have given you a dirty look that one time in third grade or someone who gossiped about how bad your outfit looked that one time in college. No I am talking about a parent who treated their daughter like she was the most unimportant person in the world to them.

I am talking about my father.

When I was younger my dad was the best dad a girl could ask for. He even took me to see Clueless right when it came out in theaters because I HAD to see it. He was also the only man in the theater.

As I got older and started High School, I guess I was not the little girl I used to be and that is when everything started going south in our relationship.

From the time I was a Sophomore in High School my father and I would go at least 4 months at a time not talking because I did something to upset him. This was yearly.

As I went to college this pattern continued to happen, however it was my father so I had to forgive him even though in my heart it hurt that my father would chose to not talk to me or get so angry over small things like calling my mom and step dad "my parents" in front of him.

My Senior year in college my mom had surprised me with a trip to NY for my 21st birthday. I, knowing that I would be out of town for my dad's birthday, decided to bake him his favorite cake, buy him a ice chest with his favorite teams logo, and plan a pre birthday party.

After finding out that I was going to be in NY on his birthday and possibly going to Las Vegas that next Spring, he decided to tell everyone at his birthday party that "he sacrifices everything for me" and that "his life ended when mine started" - direct quotes

After not talking for a couple of months I forgave him for this as well, even though he told me I deserved hearing those things because of how I was acting. Other things happened after I graduated college and started my life as an independent adult. However, things were different, I decided to not let this vicious cycle continue any longer.

November when I am walking down the aisle to my future husband it will not be with my father. It will be with the father that has always treated me like a daughter and someone who is very important to him...my step father.

I feel guilty at times that my father and his family will not be attending our wedding, but to end the cycle I did have to cut everyone out of my life.

So, I have forgiven my father, but how do I forget all of the times he did things to hurt me emotionally? Is it forgetting if you cut that person out of your life so that you are not putting yourself in the same situations? Does fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me apply if its a parent or a close family member?

Xoxo,

"E"

3 comments:

  1. You are such a strong, amazing and beautiful woman!

    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I just read it from your post from today. I kinda have a problem like this...I haven't cut anyone off yet though. My parents are still married, and I could never do that to my mom, so that's why I just deal with it. My father and I don't get along very well either. He has told me several things on many different occasions that no parent should ever tell their child. But since I still live at home it makes things a lot harder on my mom when we do get along. I try to suck it up as much as possible, but sometimes its just too much. And my mom tries to stick up for me, but it just makes her life harder. He hasn't always been like this, and I am not really sure what happened to make him change the way he is towards me, but he isn't like this at all with my sister. (Well, mostly because she doesn't really live there anymore, so when they do talk, it usually just consists of everyone catching up). It makes me wondered sometimes what I did wrong, and it also makes me not to want to have kids because I dont want him to be mean to them (but then again I feel like I am depriving my mom of having grandkids). We can go weeks without talking, living in the same household, it gets awkward, but I feel its better to not say anything then say something that might upset him. I def walk on eggshells all the time at my house, and its not fair, but it is his house and so as long as I am living there, I guess that is what I will do. My boyfriends mom gets mad when I say stuff about him or I say I don't want to go home until he is asleep, but it's just easier that way for everyone. My bf has certain feelings about my dad, and I feel bad about that, because I don't want him to hate him, but he is the one person that I call when I am having a problem and he knows everything, so it's kinda two fold. And I hope all will be okay when the day comes that I get married, because I would like for him to walk me down the aisle, but I also don't want him to ruin "my day" and I know that he is very capable of doing that though. I pray that things get better...and maybe they will one day, but I'll believe it when I see it. I apologize this was so long, but your post really hit home for me. And I am glad someone else doesn't mind talking about the "crazies" in their lives. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
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